i'm so sorry

we spoke on the phone.  i told him...
i do believe that life is much more good than bad; i believe this of mine: my life without want.  but i wish we were given a choice, before we were born, to choose whether or not we want to live, knowing the consequences-- what we'd be missing.  i would choose nonexistence.
i understand that, as i was not given the choice, and i do now exist, it is too late to take it back.  and isn't that a shame.
sometimes things get too heavy to lift, but you keep trying, hoping someday you'll be able to lift it.
i am not inspired to work hard, to try for a maybe, for something that may never come.  for all we know, it is very much worth it, but this i do not see, so i do not see why i would feel the need to work toward it.
i love you.  and i know you love me.  that means so much to me.  i know you care for me very much, and you'll always be there to care for me and to help me.  it means a lot to me.  you're wonderful.  you are part of the reason i keep hanging on.
to him, i said how does it make you feel that, knowing those things you have told me to be true, i would still erase it all, to choose not to exist if i could?
i believe that this sorry fact makes everything i am and do is insincere.


if ever i were to kill myself, the note i would leave would contain a picture of me smiling brightly, holding my thumbs and forefingers in the shape of a heart.  underneath i would write:  i'm sorry.  i love you very much.  but i am selfish, and i hope you never forgive me.
and i'd wonder how many would doubt the sincerity of that second sentence as i would.