my big overarching sad thought is a fear that i will never find the best way i fit in this world, that i will never be useful. my goal in life is to be a good person.
so why am i so shallow?
i love pretty things. i want to be pretty. i find myself very wrapped up in visual aesthetics: painting, drawing, architecture, dance, sculpture, clothing design-- to me they are all art, they all convey and communicate an idea. but achieving prettiness in no way helps me realize my ultimate goal of being a good person does it? and is the display of aesthetically pleasing images and facades art? is it expression or is it superficiality? beauty without consequence? might it be unnecessary?
does wanting to be prettiful lower my good-person potential or is it irrelevant and immaterial (a character trait rather than a flaw)? am i paradoxical, hypocritical, human, all? what if, unknowingly, my claim to be "only human" becomes an excuse rather than a valid explanation? can i be a good person and still buy expensive pretty clothes and makeup? shouldn't i take more precaution to avoid the risk of purchasing from sweatshops and child labor? should i spend money on frivolous things when people are starving in other countries? where do i draw the line? what about eating at restaurants? shouldn't i make do with the minimum to maintain my health and give the rest to those in need? i feel like i have enough family/friend/monetary excess to afford the leisure to help others. am i not doing my part if i keep more than i need for myself? or is the good that i attempt to do made insincere by the fact that i do not live 100% according to my "values"?
i can see how much of what i do contributes to all the things i don't want for my Earth: starvation, abuse, pollution. i can see how i could eliminate the habits of mine that contribute to them: no cars, no planes, no gas, sustainable organic fuel/clothes/food. but then again, if i want to help people, maybe i need to ride a plane to communicate with someone in another country to work towards peace and understanding among humankind. and maybe i have to drive a car to get to work to make a difference. why isn't being a good person more simple and straightforward? why must you weigh different things and pick a "greater good"?
i feel the need to differentiate what is reasonable from what is absolutely correct. although, i do not condemn others by that in which they choose to partake. i can only judge myself and correct myself according to what i have learned and what i believe.
i think my brain hit a dead end and i suspect i unintentionally lie to myself occasionally.
i know it's not possible to be perfect, and i know it's okay to be flawed,
but is it okay to be less than perfect if you consciously choose to keep your imperfections?
what do you think?
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